T'row Da Bums Out!

Question: How many politician jokes are there? Answer – Two, the rest of the stories are all true…

What kind of person goes into politics? Is it merely coincidental that the top three prior professions or educations seem to be lawyer, military, and sports professional? How does that segue work? Is that a job you’d do? I have a standing rule that goes like this: Never Go For A Position That Is Appointed Or Elected. I also tend to think that the whole thing is hogwash, and almost all the players varmints, frankly... Maybe it’s gotten into my craw because of the state of the world: We have perhaps the most volatile world situation that there has ever been, featuring rampant famine, disease, war, and unrest. We have the worst international reputation as a country that we’ve probably ever had in the history of this great country. We have a ‘war’ in Iraq that we started and can’t get out of, (Which I fondly refer to as Viet Nam II – The Sequel – Nightmare in the Middle East).

And during all this chaos and horror, what is our government doing? Well, according to the news, we’re voting to rewrite or overshadow the Geneva Conventions, really hoping to get the hell out of Dodge so that we can do The Election Season, (Which will, by the way, be followed by The Holiday Season, after which we’ll mosey back for a spell), denying the contention that a company or companies in concert with said government could manipulate gas prices just prior to an election, and, what else… Oh, yeah, reading Albert Camus… Now granted, reading Camus isn’t a bad thing, but to be honest with you, I doubt that one – Too many big words there for His Shrubness… Maybe they got him the Cliff’s Notes version…

Oh, and somewhere on the back burner, there’s a distinct possibility of invading Iran, but that’s really kinda page 10 news…

Does any of that strike you as odd? Does any of that make you nervous? If so, good, you’re probably more or less properly skeptical and charitably cautious. If, given those two choices, you don’t also agree with the latter, I’m nervous about you, frankly.

Now, I’m just gonna step in and say I don’t really have a solution here, per se, but the way this is all stacking up, I’m gettin’ more nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs. I think it’s time for, in the words of the immortal Seldom Seen Smith, a li’l ol’ pre-cision earthquake in D.C., or maybe just a good old fashioned revolution; 'cause this I do know – Whatever it is they’re doin’ up there on the hill, it ain’t workin’.

Which leads us back to them politicians – I think that they’re pretty much all ne’er-do-wells and rascals: We aughta tip over the whole basket o’ snakes and let ‘em all slither back home.

Here in Texas, the breath of fresh air answer to this dilemma comes in the form of one Kinky Friedman; novelist, musician, rounder, and roustabout running for Governor. Lined up agin him are the following:

1. Incumbent Rick Perry – hair boy, and a brain-dead remnant of the Shrub’s days here.

2. Carol Keeton ‘Granma’ Strayhorn – Former comptroller of the state, major land trout who actually petitioned the state to allow her to have ‘Granma’ on the ballot. Two of her spawn work for the Shrub now in D.C. – ‘nuff said.

3. Some Democratic Stiff – I’m a registered Texas Democrat: I’ve been racking my brain, I can’t think of his name for the life of me, or how or why this guy ended up as a candidate. Nuff said there, too – At least the other three are colorful…

So, there you have it, a political rat race laced with Texas chiles and rampant irreverence. In a Saint Patrick’s Day parade in Dallas, somebody gave Kinky a can of Guiness Stout and the press caught wind. They asked him if he was drinking in public, and he responded, with a straight face, “I did drink some of the beer, but I did not swallow it...” You gotta love this guy.

Texas politics is rife with this stuff. Last year in a nasty, hard fought Representative’s race in the county south of us, the stalwart, hard-core, right wing Republican candidate turned out to be a cross-dresser who’s closet door got flung wide open toward the end of the campaign – Now that’s politics.

Anyway, Friedman says very sensible stuff interspersed with rampant wackiness, and he’s getting keelhauled in the press for it, but I find it refreshing. At least he’s honest about who and what he is. He’s denied nothing, admitted everything, winked when he should, made fun of it all throughout, and I’m gonna vote for him. He says he’ll get rid of the asinine TAKS testing in schools, get back to real education, and lower property taxes. I think it’s very close to what my friends said when I became a cop: “Well, he’s definitely not normal, but I’d rather have him do the job than the other idiots they pick”

With the recent death of Anne Richards, the last great Texas Democrat, and the passing of Byron Nelson, the last great Texas gentlemen, I figure the gloves are off and it’s time for a change.

OK, hell, I’ll fess up - I just want to be able to see headlines that read, ‘Governor Kinky’